Excerpts from a book I’ll never write.

Ice crusted over the window she was staring out of, into the deep white abyss of winter. The fire crackled behind me as I shifted, she muffled a sniffle with her blanket pressed to her nose.
“There’s too much blank, too much open blankness in winter like this. Stuck inside the warmth, all you have to fill the void is words and thoughts,” she paused. She stared at me her dark amber eyes bore into my soul, I stayed silent. “You don’t talk much lately, lost in the blank. I wish I could express the longing for your voice, to tell me this white blankness will end, some day soon. But you go about your day, as if this isn’t happening, as if your thoughts don’t whirl around the truth.” She pulled the blanket up over her shoulders, her toddlers face sleepily buried into her bosom. I watched as she wiped Karliah’s cheek with her thumb. She looked at me her eyes starting to mist up with tears as I shifted my gaze to my feet. I began coughing out the words, “I love you both, if I don’t ignore the facts then it will consume my emotions and I don’t know where that will lead us.” With a deep breath I continued, “I know you love me, but I know you will do everything in your power to make her world as perfect as you can. The pain from your past will protect your daughter.” I watched the love of my life squeeze her whole world and choke back a sob. She shook for a second and whispered, “What about you, I need your decisions on this, protect her with me.” A smile broke on my face, “I will, always will. I will protect her in my own way. This, this decision is yours and yours alone. Your blood courses through her veins and his. The pain I have watched brew in you since we opened that envelope, is the same shame I feel wishing she was mine.”


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